Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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