I will die if light touches me.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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