Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
