direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
