Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
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