whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Randomize
