Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
i believe in u and ur pee
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize