I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
