Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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