i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
