shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I love you.
Bad choice
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
