It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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