OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
