Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
