If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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