I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Randomize
