dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
