So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Randomize
