matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
