ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize