i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
