Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Randomize
