I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
