I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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