she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
The uberlube is also flammable
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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