We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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