So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
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