Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Randomize
