I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
