good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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