i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
My vagina just recognized that song.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
