I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
