Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
His nipple licking is glorious
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