I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
