is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
