you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
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