My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Randomize
