Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Randomize
