May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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