Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
