franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
