I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize