We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
