I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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