Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
