I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
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