I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
