if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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