you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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