Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Sacagawea was the original milf.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Randomize
