The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
