i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
