He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
