my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
