nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
