so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
