Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
