did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
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