Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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