someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
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