If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Randomize
