She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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