She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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