I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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