so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
he told me I talked like a deaf person
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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