Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Randomize
