Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Randomize
